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New Macs!

The thrills! The chills! The size scandal that's rocking the nation!

It's a great day in the design world whenever a new Mac comes out, and the introduction of the newest round of iMacs today is no exception. But some critics are asking: has Apple gone too far?

It's on the cover of all the tabloids, and insiders say that friends and family of the iMac are worried. The iMac's new, stick-thin look is generating rumors of drug abuse and secret surgeries. Worst of all, many parents are asking Apple what kind of example the iMac is setting for our nation's children!

With what some are calling the 'fourth generation' of iMacs, Apple seems to be sending a message: You can never be too rich, or too thin! Apple has gotten rid of its 17 and 19-inch models and replaced them with a 20-inch model, which is the new minimum standard. “It's appalling,” says Mavis Bickle of Sioux City, Iowa. “Every time I look, these models get longer and thinner. It's unhealthy, and it sends the wrong message to young boys and girls that look up to these cultural status symbols!”

The roots of Apple's tragic obsession with size can be traced back to its infancy, when it experienced the pain of being at outsider in schools, at the workplace, and even in homes. “It was emotionally scarring,” reveals an inside source that wishes not to be named. “The squat, boxy shape, the tiny screen, the drab, beige coloring. The iMac won't even let its entourage mention those days anymore.”

In search of the other side of the story, we contacted design guru Igmar Terakian, who had this to say about the new, improved iMac: “Everyone is so obsessed with what she looks like on the outside,” Igmar laments in his difficult-to-place Northern European accent. “But what about her inner beauty? Her Core 2 Duo, her easily accessed hardware – these are what make her beautiful! She is any graphic designer's dream!”

Sorry, Igmar, but the iMac can dedicate the rest of its life to charity work and UN Ambassadorship – looks are still everything! After all, it's not like Apple just starved the computer down to its dangerously thin new shape, the iMac has also completely overhauled its wardrobe.

“I barely recognize the iMac these days,” a tearful friend told us. “For years, it's been all about the white, with maybe an occasional foray in silver hues, but this new aluminum and black style. It's like there's a stranger staring at me across the desk!”

Of course, the iMac has many lovers, and there are more than a handful who aren't complaining about the new colors. Let's hear what the critics have to say:

“Black is the new white. Get used to it!” – Chinly Stone, Washington Boast

“It's just good design. The black border is what Apple needed to make their substandard screen POP. Still, color and contrast problems abound…” Tom Tomerson, Inwidget.com

“Kind of reminds me of the evil Spiderman. I know it's cool, but every time I look at that black apple logo, I get a chill. Not necessarily in a bad way.” MacLovur17, blogosphere

Computer psychologists agree that the iMac's paper-thin profile and sudden penchant for black are connected. “As a culture, we've become obsessed with space travel,” explains Dr. Marlon Zepuppy, “consequently, our design has come to reflect that desire to fly higher, travel farther, and actually remove ourselves from this earthly plane. By becoming increasingly slick, streamline, and ultimately, space-aged, the iMac is embodying its desire to vacate the terrestrial plane and actually evolve to a higher level of existence.”

Thank you, Dr. SpaceCase! Other experts aren't reaching quite so far for an explanation. “It's peer pressure, plain and simple,” says Professor Limbardo, head of computer psychology at NIT. “The MacBook has been getting all the attention, the press, the praise, the huge contracts – the iMac simply couldn't take it anymore. And if you want confirmation for this theory, just look at the keyboard.”

Apple unveiled a new, ultra-thin keyboard at the same time as the new iMac, once again proving that in this age of so-called size pride and looking beyond appearances, thin is still in. “Okay, so she's nice to look at,” admits Igmar, our design expert, “but where's the substance? When I put my hands on her, she seems to slide away from me. It's almost as if something is missing.”

And Igmar's right. On the new wireless keyboard, which is distinctly like that of the MacBook, Apple has omitted the number pad. Good design sense, some say, while others accuse Apple of taking a wild foray into usability madness, Could it be that Mac fans just don't like their number pads, or is this yet another symptom of Apple's tragic obsession with dropping in size wherever possible?

The sheer level of scandal that this story is generating across the nation cannot be measured. Many news anchors have actually refused to cover the story during broadcasts because it is, as they say, “not real news.” But ignoring this problem will not make it go away. What if this new, ultra-thin look is, in fact, a desperate cry for help?

We had hoped to conclude this shocking expose with a quote from our subject. Unfortunately, the iMac could not be reached for comment. We can only pray that Apple comes to its sense, or gets the help it so desperately needs, before the iMac winds up in the hospital, in prison, or worse…

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