Print Industry Calls it Quits Days Before iPad Takeover
We surrender! CEOs come out with their hands up.
Three days before the launch of Apple's iPad, positive reviews are pouring in, and the printing industry has officially decided to concede defeat.
“Yup,” R.G. Blau, acting president of the International Conventicle of Print Industry Types confirmed the rumors early today. “With the iPad, we feel that Apple has once and for all proven that there is no longer any need whatsoever for books, newspapers, magazines, catalogues, posters, billboards, banners, brochures, or anything of that other stuff that we print.”
“It's a sad day for the printing industry, but we also feel some measure of pride at having been defeated by such a worthy competitor,” Hotcards blogger Anne Stewart said at a press conference this morning. “I, for one, welcome our new digital advertising overlords.”
Starting today, April 1st, newspapers and other publishers will begin to close up shop, followed by printing technology providers from Xerox to Heidelberg, and finally, small commercial printers, who will only close their doors once all existing orders for specialized products like vehicle wraps and event cocktail napkins have been filled.
In the future, consumers are being asked to direct orders to Apple's iWrap and iNapkin departments. “They say you've never really wiped mustard off your face until you've done it with the iNapkin,” Blau said of Apple's organic LCD towelette.
Understandably, the decision handed down from the ICPIT wasn't unanimous, and many printers around the world are confused and outraged. “We just opened,” mourns Biryat Singh of New Delhi. “Magazine circulation is at an all-time high here in India.”
“The hardest part has been telling our customers that they can no longer order business cards, club flyers, or postcard mailers from us, or from anywhere else,” says Pacific Puma Printing branch manager Cyndi Molinder. “They're telling me they don't care about the iPad. They want their business cards today. But what can I do? When a new age of communication rolls around, the graceful thing to do is step back and let it be what it's going to be.”
Apple fanboys the world over are applauding Blau's leadership abilities, particularly since he was only recently appointed ICPIT president, after the mysterious disappearance of longtime leader C.M. Yelk on a cross-Atlantic voyage he took with Walter Mossberg.
R.G. Blau has displayed remarkable poise throughout this difficult transition period, even after suffering a massive defection from the ICPIT Board of Directors. “It's an emotional issue for a lot of people,” Yelk has been quoted as saying. “But we of the printing industry can't keep living in a dreamworld. I know sending an e-vite to your wedding sounds crass now, but just wait until you see it on the iPad screen. Mere ink on paper cannot hope to compete.”
To assist in the transition from print to iPad, the last piece of printing produced by our proud industry will be a brochure, designed to help those who have no idea what the iPad is or why they should care transition into the print-free future. Fear not, gentle print lovers, the future looks scary now, but with no Flash capability, the iPad will feel a lot like print, and in the end, we'll all be better off. Won't we?